Deadpool Comes to Camp
by epickumquat42
Summary: Hellooooo, Fanfiction! Deadpool here! Just thought I'd let you know that I've taken over this account to spread my awesomeness around! Today, Fanfiction, tomorrow, the multiverse! MUAHAHAHA! I WILL HAVE UNLIMITED CHIMICHANGAS! If you don't read this, I will find you, and I will grenade you! Hey, writer? What's this character limi
1. Enter Deadpool

**Hey guys! Uh, I don't own anything, duh, and if you're reading this, I love you already.**

**Because we're awesome!**

**Deadpool, what do you think you're doing? The story hasn't even started yet!**

**I'm breaking the fourth wall and making the writer look like an idiot, it's kinda my thang.**

**You're gonna make me regret this, aren't you?**

**Yupperoonies!**

**Oh joy, and for clarity–**

**Because that's totally what my stories are full of.**

**For the sake of clarity ****_Bold Italics_**** is the serious voice in Deadpool's head, AKA Madcap. Wait... Does that count as a spoiler?**

**That issues's pretty old, and anyone who isn't really following comics doesn't know who he is anyway.**

**You make a good point. Anyway, **_Plain Italics_** is the normal crazy voice in Deadpool's head, the one that's usually in those yellow boxes.**

**And this is after the books series and anytime in my timeline, 'cause I don't really care!**

**Thanks! I almost forgot that!**

**That's what I'm here for! Not really...speaking of which, do you have any tacos?**

**Uh...Enjoy the story!**

**Wait! What about the ta–**

_Deadpool's POV_

Deadpool teleported into the forest just outside of Camp Half-Blood. "Whoa, where am I? And where are my tacos?" He shouted spinning in circles to get a better view of his surroundings.

**_I am really glad no one's here to see us._**

_Yeah, you look like an idiot._

_**Which you are.**_

"Ack! I don't think in little, yellow boxes in anymore! What medium am I in?" He screamed at the sky, falling to his knees in despair.

**_I stand corrected, now you look like an idiot._**

"You're always so mean! We're the same person, you know!"

**_Stop being an idiot, and we'll stop calling you one._**

_So, never? Right?_

**_Right._**

_I'm bored! We should do something!_

"I know! Chimichangas!"

_That's a great idea!_

**_Too bad we're in the middle of writer-knows-where without a taco stand in sight._**

_Oh, the horror!_

**_Be quiet, we need to figure out why we're here._**

"It's because I'm the awesomest, duh!"

**_Is that even a word?_**

"Spellcheck says so!"

_**When is spellcheck ever right?**_

_He has a point. Remember that time you were texting Wolverine, and–_

At this point, the author decided to move on in the story before the Merc with the Mouth ruined her K+ rating, which she was already pushing just by introducing Deadpool. A curly haired teenager ran into the clearing where Deadpool was apparently talking to thin air.

"No I wasn't! I was talking to myself!"

**_And me._**

_Ooh ooh ooh! Me too! Me too!_

Wait...How are you doing that?

"Medium awareness, duh! Didn't you read the contract for using me in a story?" Deadpool pulled an overly-embellished contract from one of his many pouches. No! I didn't type that! Deadpool, quit overriding my keyboard! A minute ago you didn't know you were in a story!

"Who needs continuity when we have bubblegum?"

**_Show her the contract._**

_Oh yeah! Then we can get chimichangas and live happily ever after!_

Deadpool circled a paragraph of the contract with red crayon and showed it to the sky. It read 'any writer brave enough to use Deadpool in a story, especially a crossover, will run the risk of Deadpool taking over the story and using it for his own random desires. If the story displeases him, he may even come into the real world, kill the author, and finish writing it himself.'

Wow, I really need to stop signing things without reading them first, I'll sell my soul and not know it one of these days.

**_That's a very dangerous habit to have._**

I know, I know.

_Can we get on with it?_

"Yeah, we were just getting to the part where big-breasted beauties come out of the woods with tacos and we live happily ever after!"

No, we weren't! Didn't you read the script I sent you?

_Script?!_

**_The one you used as a napkin on barbecue chicken pizza night._**

_Oh that script!_

But...but I worked so hard on it!

"Sorry, lady, rule one of Deadpool: Deadpool doesn't do scripts."

_I thought rule one was 'fourth walls should be dynamited'?_

"Oh right, rule five."

_That's 'screw logic, we have cookies'!_

"No we don't! You ate them all!"

**_We are you, you ate them all._**

_Jerk, you didn't share!_

**_Did you not hear what I just said?_**

Deadpool turned to the curly-haired teen who'd been watching the scene with a mixture of awe and terror.

_Because we're awesome!_

**_He's probably terrified by our stench._**

Will you guys stop interrupting me? I'm trying to write a story here!

"Meh, needs more Deadpool."

All it's had is Deadpool so far! I'm starting to regret this...

"If you don't publish an awesome story about my awesomeness, I will find you, and I will shoot you in the balls."

No! My K+ rating! How could you? Wait a second...I'm a girl...

"Then I'll shoot you in the ovaries."

**_Do you even know where those are?_**

"I'll bring an anatomy textbook."

**_No you won't._**

"I'll guess."

_Wrong!_

"Shut up! I'm trying to be threatening!" He turned to the totally bewildered teen, "do you know where the ovaries are?"

"Uh...what?" He started backing away from the obviously crazy person.

_Hey! I take offense to that!_

**_But it's true._**

_Et tu, me?_

**_I don't think Caesar said that._**

_Close enough!_

**_Not really._**

Quit. Interrupting. My. Story.

"Tough luck, it's my story now! Fanfiction, you just got pooled!"

**_Don't you mean pwned?_**

"No! I mean what I mean!"

_Be who you are and say what you mean, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind?_

"Exactly!"

**_You two have been reading too much Doctor Seuss._**

_There's no such thing as too much Doctor Suess._

**_It's too much Doctor Seuss when you start to rhyme and quote him all the time._**

"You just rhymed."

**_Exactly._**

"Who are you talking to?" The teen asked slowly.

_I wish you'd introduce him already! The readers already know who he is, so why can't we?_

You guys need to stop talking to me, you'll confuse the readers, and it's killing the suspension of disbelief...what's left of it anyway.

_There's no such thing as disbelief in a Deadpool story! It's all yesbelief!_

**_You're an idiot._**

_Was there ever any doubt?_

"Uh, can you hear me?" Leo Valdez asked nervously, he was beginning to seriously regret his decision to approach the weirdo in red spandex.

"Of course! I'm not deaf!"

**_Unless someone is expositioning._**

"Good point."

"I didn't say anything."

"I wasn't talking to you," Deadpool tapped the side of his head. "Who are you by the way?"

"Leo Valdez, son of Hephaestus, head camper, member of the–"

"It's soooo boring! Make it stop!" Deadpool moaned and promptly shot himself in the head.

_Nico's POV_

Nico carefully peeled the sheet off of what was left of the corpse's face. "Do you know who he was?" He asked quietly.

"No, he just...I started introducing myself and he just...shot himself..." Leo was obviously still shaken up by what had happened, evident by the lack snarky remarks.

"We need to figure out who he was, how he got past the barriers, and most importantly why."

"I think I can answer, like, most of those questions." An annoying voice said from below them.

Nico, Leo, and Will looked down in confusion them jumped back in shock the corpse sat up at stared at them through the fabric of his mask. Leo and Will looked at the son of Hades with an unspoken question, he merely shrugged, just as confused as they were.

The ex-corpse felt around his lack of face below the jaw area. "After you answer one super important thing," he paused significantly, "have you seen...my nose?" He pointed at the obvious lack of nose on what was left of his masked face. He cocked his head to the side, as if considering something. "No, writer, how could you?" He suddenly shouted, "how could you? I thought we were buds!"

I don't know what you're talking about, now can I please get on with the story?

"How could you change point of view's? I thought we bonded! I thought we had something special!" His voice was so thick with emotion, Nico suspected he was faking.

You were interrupting the narrative with your inner monologue, I had no choice.

"Oh, and Angsty McEmoson is supposed to do a better job?" Nico suddenly had a red-clad finger poking him in the nose, he slowly inched away. "I've read your stories! Now everyone's gonna have to put up with his thoughts!"

What do you–when did you–

"Don't question me! I have my ways! Now the story's gonna be full of snide commentary and 'ooh, blondie's looking hot today' and 'I wish I could could kiss the living daylights out of him'."

A flush crept up Nico's neck, he didn't think like that. Not all the time, at least.

The guy who really should be dead snorted with laughter, "hey, you're right, 'living daylights' is a pretty good pun. High-five, me!" He clapped once then looked around with what probably would have been a self-satisfied grin if he weren't wearing a mask.

Meanwhile, Will made a strangled sound and left the clearing in a hurry, hopefully to get help, not just abandon them with this lunatic.

"Hate to seem him, I love to watch him leave. Am I right, Eeyore?"

Leo smirked, obviously enjoying watching his friend get teased by a spandex freak. Nico wondered if it was too late for him to permanently fade into oblivion

"So, who are you exactly?" Nico asked slowly, forcing himself to keep a level tone.

"I'm the the Merc with the Mouth, the Crimson Comedian, the Regeneratin' Degenerate, the superhero supreme with a side of BAM! But you can call me Deadpool." He stared at their stunned expressions for a moment, "now now, don't rush for autographs all at once. I know I'm famous, but please, you're embarrassing me with all your... Non-reaction."

"Um, okay, why are you here, Deadpool?"

"You know what, Eeyore? You're focused too much on the destination, not the journey you take to get there. You need to stop and smell the roses and pet the pooches and kill the pedestrians and stuff, you know? Something to take your mind of the angst once in a while."

"Um...okay..."

"Is that your catchphrase or is the writer just having a mental breakdown and can't bother to think of something cool for you to say?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

I take offense to that!

"Writer, buddy, I missed you! And here I was thinking you were going to play the silent game with until the end of the chapter!"

I'm writing. That's always silent.

"Don't get smart with me! I know where you live!" He said in a singsong voice.

That's...creepy...and very scary.

"Be afraid, be very afraid."

"Who's he talking to?" Nico whispered nervously.

"No clue, he was doing that before he shot himself too." Leo whispered back.

"You know I can read what you're saying? Right? I mean, I definitely mean hear... And no! I'm not just trying to get on the writer's good side, so we can finish this chapter and get tacos already!"

"Tacos!" Leo shouted, apparently joining the madness that was Deadpool. His so-called friend jumped and ran toward camp at full speed, leaving Nico alone with the lunatic.

"Where's he going in such a hurry?"

Nico shrugged, "must be taco night."

"Tacos!" Deadpool shouted and left Nico to ponder what his life had become while he sought out the tacos.

**Thank the gods! I survived! Deadpool hasn't killed me!**

**Yet.**

**Why won't you leave me alone? I wrote your story!**

**The story's not over until I get several lovely ladies and a big paycheck.**

**Umm... How about reviews instead? You like reviews, right?**

**Good point! Review or I will track you down and castrate you with bullets!**

**Don't threaten the readers! Are you trying to get my account suspended?!**

**Fine. Review or the writer gets it!**

**That's better... Wait, what?! Someone, help me! Please!**

**—XOXO your friendly neighborhood kumquat**

**— And your not so friendly neighborhood Deadpool!**


	2. Jason V Deadpool?

**Hey, Fanfiction, it's me again! Deadpool! Since chapter the first was so awesome, we decided even keep going, so worry not, even though I am a very famous movie star now, this story will not be abandoned!**

**How noble of you... And by 'we decided,' he means he decided then pointed a gun at my head and forced me to write this. *Cries* someone, please help me!**

**Be quiet, you. I guess that also answers the question for any of you who were wondering if the writer is alive. She is. For now. She might not be if that pizza guy doesn't get here soon...**

**It's the real world! I can't control that! I have no power irl!**

**Not my problem. Just my pizza.**

**On the bright side, if eh doesn't get here in the next ten minutes, the pizza is free...**

**I get to keep my money and have pizza? Hip hip hooray! Oh frabjous day!**

**... He chortled in his joy?**

**Wow, you ****_are_**** a good writer!**

**Um... That's actually–**

**I had something else to say... What was it?**

**Twas brillig and the slithy toves?**

**Now you're just making stuff up.**

**Weren't you going to say something to some crazy Joe?**

**Oh right! ... What was I going to say again?**

***Sigh* Madcap is this insane villain with a healing factor who got merged with Deadpool after some stuff happened (I think disintegration was involved, but don't quote me on that). He usually showed up as the white box and his personality varies across different writers and issues, but my version is based mostly on the video game (he's the white box). In the current continuity, I'm pretty sure they're split–**

**Yeah, then we got Preston. She was so boring! She never wanted to kill anyone!**

**–but I thought he was so much fun, I just had to include him. Hope that answers your question!**

**We love Pinkie Pie too! But Pinkiepool will always be the best pony!**

**You're a brony?!**

**Uh... Nothing belongs to us! Yet! But we're working on it! I'll have the bombs ready by next Tuesday!**

**What?! Deadpool, you can't–**

**Enjoy the story!**

"Who the Hades are you?" Some blond guy—what was his name again? Deadpool could have sworn he saw it a minute ago when he was looking stuff up between chapters... Started with a J...or was it a G? Anyway, he looked a little stuck up and was pointing a very shiny gold sword at Deadpool's regrowing nose.

"Shiny..."

**_Focus! He's trying to shish kabob us!_**

_That's such a fun word! Shish kabob! Shish kabob!_

**_Stop it!_**

_You try! Shish kabob shish kabob shish kabob shish ka–_

"Shut up, brain! I'm busy being distracted by the shiny thing!"

_No, you shut up!_

"No, you shut up!"

_No, you shut up!_

"No, you shut up!"

_No, you shut up!_

"No, you shut up!"

A crowd of curious demigods slowly formed to watch Deadpool have a shouting match with himself. It went on for a good five minutes before Nico found them and informed them that Deadpool was insane (they already figured that out) and that he had somehow come back to life after shooting himself in the face, which Nico swore had nothing to do with him—no one but Deadpool believed him, and that did _not_ help his case.

"I thought I said no underworld-y stuff!"

"Oh no, you don't!" Deadpool shouted, cocked one of his many guns, and aimed it at Will's nose.

_**That's the second time this chapter you've aimed a weapon at someone's nose.**_

_Yeah, what do you have against noses?_

Okay, fine. He then changed his mind and pointed at Will's right eyebrow. Better?

_We're watching you..._

**_Readers, watch your noses around this person. You never know what she may do._**

_Wouldn't that mean they're just crossing their eyes._

_**Oh right.**_

Will panicked a just a little, then threw his hands up in surrender and started backing away. "Don't what?"

"Don't you dare turn _my_ crossover into a Solangelo fuzzy thingy!"

Will and the rest of the campers exchanged bewildered looks. "Soul what now?"

Deadpool shrugged nonchalantly and holstered his gun. It seemed that the immediate threat to his position as the main character had passed. "Look it up if you wanna know. The ultimate knight was right, they invented good for a reason."

"Who?!"

"One of the reviewers who're hopelessly in love with the sheer awesome of yours truly. Duh."

"Reviewers?"

"So, where do you keep all the busty goddesses around here?"

A long, awkward silence was the only answer he got. Everyone present had come to the conclusion that asking the spandexed madman any more questions was pointless, and his didn't make enough sense to answer."

_Hey! That's mean!_

Start going along with the story and maybe I'll start being nice.

_**Madam, this is blackmail.**_

No... Blackmail would be saying that a picture of you and your teddy bear might somehow find their way into the story would be blackmail.

Deadpool gasped and turned to the sky in horror. "You wouldn't!"

Try me.

_Fine! We'll do your stupid crossover checklist! What's first?_

**_'Completely unnecessary, macho showdown between two main characters that only happens because the readers want to know who will win.'_**

"Hey! You!" He pointed at an extremely confused Jason, but most definitely not at his nose. He pointed at everything but the nose. Don't ask how. "Fight me!"

"What! Why?"

Deadpool teleported close enough to him to put a finger on his lips. "Shh... Don't question it. Batman and Superman don't need a reason to fight, so why do we?"

Hey! Does that make me Lex Luthor?

_Well... If you wanna be technical about it..._

_**Then yes, yes it does.**_

Jason jumped away and almost tripped over nothing in particular. "What in the name of Zeus are you talking about?"

"Aren't you technically using your dad's name as a curse word? Isn't that weird?"

**_'Tongue-in-cheek comment about a convention of the thing you're crossing over with.'_**

_Check!_

"Well–"

"Why don't you just say: what the f–" At that moment, the gods intervened to save the K+ rating—I mean their children's innocence, by dropping a brick from Olympus to interrupt Deadpool and only slightly bashing his brains in in the process. "Ow! No fair!"

_That's cheating! You can't do that, you cheater! Take it back!_

I can't take it back, it's already done! And who says it's cheating? I'm the author, I can do what I want. Besides, it wouldn't be the first time a fanfic writer has slightly abused her power.

_**Well, we say it's cheating.**_

_Yeah!_

I don't answer to voices in somebody else's head.

_What about your own?_

Moving on...

Deadpool shook off a brick to the head like it was a much smaller, lighter brick dropped from a shorter distance and drew his sword, ready for a pointless fight. Jason, who did not understand the sacred rules of crossovers, searched the assembled crowd for a voice of reason to stop this madness, but only found faces eager to see who would win. He was forced to started defending when Deadpool attacked with his signature reckless abandon.

_We don't fight with 'reckless abandon'!_

_**I have to agree with the author on this one, we are pretty reckless.**_

_Traitor!_

**_You have to admit we lose more than the usual number of limbs per fight._**

_Isn't the usual number zero?_

**_Exactly._**

Meanwhile, in the fight... Deadpool swung his sword, once again aiming for Jason's nose, which was probably only the spite the author. "Oh, and don't worry, Gracie, Thalyica Blade was right about that while 'no unaliving' thing."

"What? Who? And how do you know my name?"

"Don't worry about that either."

Something in the growing crowd caught Deadpool's eye and he froze mid-swing, completely failing to block Jason's latest non-nose-aimed attack. As a result, his left arm was cut off and the crowd in screamed in horror and tripped over each other in their scramble to escape the comically large fountain of blood spraying from where his once was.

_**I doubt anyone had **_**that****_ much blood. We should be unconscious by now._**

_It's a comic book! Shouldn't there be little leeway?_

**_You have a point... And it's not like the author has actually seen someone lose a limb outside of overly graphic video games._**

_*Cough* like ours *cough cough* go play it *half-hearted cough*_

**_We swear this isn't sponsored. If it were, we would hire someone to get rid of the typos._**

_And while you're at it, go watch our movie!_

**_You are shameless._**

_And buy some merch!_

Guys, I'm right here, and I know it's unrealistic. I'm trying to not gross out the readers here!

_Ohhh! We thought you were just dumb!_

**_Smart. We don't want to lose any more to smut than we already have._**

_Shut up! Don't give them any ideas!_

Anyway! Deadpool started looking for his lost arm and took full advantage of the situation. "Hey, can someone give me a hand?"

Percy quickly got over his shock at all the blood and reckless nose-endangerment when he recognized what a punderful opportunity this was. "C'mob, guys, he's 'armless."

"Hey, watch it! I used to be armed and dangerous...but I'm still dangerous."

Leo grinned and join in. "I dunno, you look all right to me."

"I may be missing an arm, but on the other hand, I'm completely fine."

"I don't see it anywhere... Sorry, but I'm stumped."

"You know, I think this violates your right to bear arms."

**And on that cringe worthy more, I think I'll end the chapter. Hopefully, they'll have found that arm and run out of puns by the time we get back.**

**Hey! I happened to like those puns!**

**Of course you did...**

**Oh! And a huuuge Deadpool thanks to all of your ****rockin' people who reviewed! Keep it up and I might even make the author update some of her other stories!**

**I'm working on them! Really!**

**Nuh uh! You spend all of your time on that Hetalia thing and stupid stuff like homework!**

**Hey, was that the pizza guy I heard?**

**Ooh! Pizza!**

**Okay... I think he's gone for now... Review if you liked it and/or have something to say and/or want Deadpool to not shoot me! I promise I'll try to update within the next year!**

**—XOXO your friendly neighborhood kumquat**

**—and your not so friendly neighborhood Deadpool (eat it, Spidey, it's my catchphrase now!)**


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